20 Questions

Can you switch it on and off? And to be honest with you, I haven't been paying the slightest bit of attention. It's like when you're falling asleep in class and you slowly loose track of what the fucks going on and the more you fall asleep, as the nods get longer you start proper dreaming. Its immense.

Going to make a change, for once in my life.

- Why did you do that?

I thought it was time. Too much time had passed. I had to. She was there. She was begging. She wanted it and I had to give it to her, I couldn't let her down. She looked at me and begged. She opened her arms and said I wouldn't need anything else as long as I had her.

I believed her.

- Did it hurt?

What do you think?


- Was it painful?


(Silence)


- Did you enjoy it?


(Silence)


- Did you enjoy it?


(Silence)


- Why do you hate her?

She's fucked up my life, walking in like she owns me.


- Why do you keep going back?


(Silence)


- Do you want to do it again?

I don't want to do it again, I don't want to see her ever again. I don't want to look at her stupid face, saddle up and smile; kills and never asks why. Anger, rage incandescent fury cleaving and dividing skin as it progresses from one hand to the other.

I know what I have to do, I know how and I know why. I have purpose now, I can swim to the pier; sit on the bitter wood then hang. Hang on for life, for her, for you. The last thing I will see is the sun setting on my life, I'll embark on a new journey to the unknown and smother her with all this fucking hate I have coursing though every millimeter of my body.



Poetic isn't it?


- Do you think that would be a good idea?

Do you have a better suggestion? Would you like to fill me in on some secret plan you have?


- Why don't you go to the doctors?


To dull the pain.


- To get help.


Why do I need help when I have you?




(Silence)





I cry out. I cry for help. Why don't you answer me? Why don't you help me?


C17H18F3NO

C17H18F3NO

C17H18F3NO

C17H18F3NO

C17H18F3NO


Not again. Never again.

-Did you say you wanted to leave for the summer?

That's what ill do. This is a big juncture in my life and I feel lost, caught up in a whirlwind of circumstance and bad luck which follows me everywhere I go and inevitably manages tarnish every single fucking thing I do.

-Are you sure you're not doing it to yourself?

Ill take a leaf out of TwoFaces book and make my own luck.

-Luck isn't real.

Your not real.

-Do you want me to be real?


(Silence)


-Are you sure you're not doing it to yourself?


(Silence)


I'm changing growing then regressing. I need change, progress yet I don't want anything. I want pills blades rope and sorrow to take me in the night to meet her. I want to see her and thank her for being everything she fucking took from me.

-You don't want to do that, do you?

I want to stay inside I want to go out and just be. I want her to make me a picnic of insanity so I can make myself sick with relief. I want sanity; I crave madness.



(Silence)


- Its not your fault. You're ill.


I know.


- You need help.


I am perfectly fine; I eat sleep study socialise and work.


- That's what you call a life?


There isn't a drug in this perfectly tainted world that will make this fucking life meaningful.



Is there?



(Silence)



Help me baby, I'm broken; a shadow of everything I could have been. The sun has set on an isolated beach; chaos slowly creeps into the mind of anyone who can't look away.


-Are you a fan of chaos?


I have no choice.


-You always have a choice.


I don't.



(Silence)



I have a plan. I want to go to the beach and hang from the pier; I want to be returned to sender, asphyxiated into the darkness and held by her.



-I thought you hated her?




(Silence)



-Do you love her?



(Silence)



Fuck you.

-Do you love her?



FUCK YOU.



-Do you love her?


Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.



(Silence)




He's going to change and one day hell see me and walk away.



-Why would that happen?



Things aren't as simple as they seem; masters of disguise never get caught, the ugly truth emerges from heavens gates and reigns down on us. The people can't fight it, they join forces and become something so horrid the others must look away

I see past the exterior into the soul which is rotting; piece after piece falls away and scorches the ground with its smouldering mass.



-Why do you think people will always leave you?



(Silence)



-Do you drive them away?



(Silence)



-Do you want to be alone?



I've always got her; the one thing that will never leave, never abandon, never run. She will open her arms and welcome me into them, lovers lost at sea; reunited after all hope has vanished.



Let's run away, dive into the abyss and swim for the shores of the unknown.




Would you come with me?



(Silence)



Would you come with me?






(Silence)

I'm still alive, just. (May trigger)

For once I don't really know where to begin; my mind has been all over the place again and I don't know how to make sense of it all. I am at a total loss and nothing I have done is even remotely close to getting me out of this rut. There has been tonne of 'stuff' going on in my life recently and I've not dealt with any of it properly. Maybe that's why I'm so messed up at the moment; the reality of it all has finally kicked in and I don't know what the hell to do about it. My Pandora's box remains open and I've not got the strength, or will power, to close it again.

Seeing yourself slowly turn into everything you hate is an awful experience, when I say or do something bad my mind screams: "No! You don't mean that! You are so out of line girl, you need to get that sorted. You need to just stop. Please baby stop, you're better than this." I hear it but I can't stop, filth pours out my mouth over and over again. I am full of anger and self-loathing because I should be able to control myself but I can't, I'm loosing my head and everything I've fought for.

I am angry because I can't cut. I'm angry at myself for not having the balls to just do it and open my arms up and release the river of tension. I'm frustrated because I am considering going back to the thing I can never trust. I want to just curl up in a corner and forget the world exists. I want to pretend everything I do doesn't affect anyone else. I want to be free from her. I want to be addicted. I want to let her back into my life. I want to scar every inch of myself and I want to see the blood drip to the floor and then do it again.

These urges have came out of nowhere but have been exacerbated by the fact I have been ignoring issues that should have been dealt with long before now. It's scary to realise I'm one tiny step away from falling into the abyss and never returning. I feel so close to the volcanoes edge and convincing myself I should dive in isn't as hard as it should be; my mind is far too good at persuading me self harm is what I need, it's the only thing that will get me through, the only thing that will always love me.

If I'm not strong enough she will be the only thing I'll have to hold onto. I'm so, so weak and have no strength left; she has taken everything and left me bare. I am just a shell to carry her around, I am her play thing and always will be. I am trapped between a rock and a hard place; the comfort blanket and the unknown.

The more I try to escape form her prison the more she convinces me it's better to stay. The more I try to convince myself it's all just minds games the deeper she digs her claws in; shes a lioness stalking her prey. She hits me where I'm weak and reminds me who controls who.

I have no jurisdiction over my own thoughts anymore; she owns me and knows she always will...

Spanners. Why are they always in the works?

I have been doing OK since the last post; I got over the first week in March and didn't self harm which is the first time that has ever happened. I have to be proud of myself for that but the emotional breakdown was not pretty; I was, and still am, a complete emotional wreck. I like to keep that part of me hidden away because I don't want to appear weak or powerless; I don't want people to realise I remain completely, and utterly, at the mercy of my daemons. I make everything worse by keeping my cards too close to my chest and get -- what appears to be -- inordinately angry/upset at things that don't really matter. People must look at me and assume I'm a huge drama queen, which is my own fault but I get too caught up in the moment to care.

I am finding it hard to vocalise my true thoughts and feelings at the moment as they are all over the place; I'm confused, conflicted and disconnected. I have been plunged into a world of darkness and chaos and for some reason I am at home here; I enjoy this misery and enjoy having VICTIM tattooed on my forehead. That's a problem I thought I had overcame a few years back but it seems as though the victim complex is slowly creeping its way back into my life.

After a conversation I had with someone, I realised my responses to what they were saying were all about me. As much as the issues being discussed involved and concerned me they werent about me. This realisation genuinely terrified me; I hate the person I am when I make myself the victim. I tend to make every ones world revolve around me and people will step on eggshells as a result of not wanting to offend or hurt me. It isn't a nice trait to have and I need to nip this in the bud or I will spiral and end up in hospital wondering why no one cares about what I'm going through or how I feel. I cant let myself get to into that stage again, I need to 'man-up' and get a grip of my behaviour.

I have to go back to the drawing board and get my feelings and thoughts in order, I need to stop letting her win and start listening to rationality. I need to tell bitchface I wont be at her beck and call anymore and make it clear I will beat this. I need to stop throwing spanners in the works for shits and giggles and need to get some bloody sleep.

All of the above, my friends, is easier said than done.

There is no reason to hide. (May trigger)

Yes, its that time of year folks; it's time for healthy sleeping patterns to be thrown out the window along with any coping methods and positive thought. I can see them lying in a heap in the garden but I don't have the strength to go down and fetch them. No matter how far forward I am with my recovery the first few weeks in March seem to have this hold over me, it almost seems as though self harm has one week in which to make me revert back to her wicked ways and throws everything she has at me; my pandoras box is now open.

This is my 8th year of self harm and, my god, its tough. All I want to do is to stay inside, talk to no one and paint my skin a pretty shade of red. The urge to cut myself is greater in these weeks and I find myself using the same old excuses: one slip up wont hurt anyone. Just one small cut, small enough to not 'count'. Just enough so it will bleed, nothing more...

I've slipped back to my old ways of shutting myself away from the outside world and as a result making myself feel extremely lonely. I am trying to override what appears to be my default setting when I feel like this but I'm struggling with it. I don't want to go out for fear of people judging or making fun of me because I'm sure they know I'm a wreck and can't cope. I find myself running from the people that will listen into the arms of something I can't, and should never, trust again.

I know when my control over my thoughts and feeling has slipped back to her when my dreams are affected; Ive been dreaming about self-harm since the 26th of February and that let me know I was coming up for a rough few weeks. Dreaming about it is one of my biggest triggers for this reason: you experience it, feel it and are able to get the same sense of 'release' from it but you wake up and realise it didnt actually happen. One of two things happens to me at this point, I get so severely triggered I become over-emotional and cut in a 'panic' and end up with stitches or the urge becomes so strong I cut in a more controlled manner.

I have two options here: I can go back down the road I've just came from or I can keep going. One is far more comforting and the other is hard work. One has the comfort blanket but the other has freedom. Easy choice?

Growing up

In the middle of my darkest self-harm days I never envisaged I would live past 21; if I hadn't killed myself by then I was sure to have done something so reckless it would have killed me anyway. I had no regard for my own life or how my death would affect people around me. It terrifies me to think I was, not only capable of thoughts so dark but able to pass them off as everyday feelings; I would convince myself everyone must have felt like that at some point in their adolescence and I wasn't the only one to do so. Soon I realised it wasn't normal to hoard these thoughts as everyone around me seemed to be moving on, growing up, having fun and I was stuck in what felt like a bog of negativity, sadness and sorrow.

I often wonder what would have happened to me if I had remained trapped in that spiral of self destruction; would I be dead or just another screw-up who doesn't care for anyone or anything except for another fix of their chosen poison?That petrifies me, I get shivers thinking about it -- some pangs of guilt, pity and to an extent nostalgia creep into my head. I feel guilty by virtue of not taking other people into account back then, pity as a result of my, now, grown up mind looking back on what feels like a helpless girl and nostalgia because (for the last 7 years) its all I've known. I continue to slip back into my old ways without even realising of it as it comes so naturally to me. Sometimes I need people 'outside the box' to tell me I'm reversing myself into a black hole that I can never get out of. I do have outside-the-box thinkers around me and I would like to take this opportunity to thank them for everything they have done and to let them know I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them.

Now, I am fast closing in on my 21st birthday and as a result of support networks, hard graft and positive thought I've got my life into a rather sweet spot; new hopes, dreams and aspirations are flooding my head and for once I can do something about them. I can now start to move forward and make the most of my life. By 'moving forward' I really don't mean by much but I couldn't care less at the minute, even a small step makes me feel like BFG in my world.

Weight loss: huge impact on body, no impact on mind?

I was reading a fantastic article on weight loss and how it can cause people to change completely, it made me think about the changes in me over the last few months. I was told by my leader the change in physical appearance would boost my confidence, make me happier and maybe bring out aspects of my personality I never knew I had. Well, I didn't know how right she was until recently. Before the weight loss I never thought, for even a second, I would turn into the shallow person I am now.

If going from a big to an average size causes a huge physical strain on the body as it tries to re-adjust itself to its new layout, does the mind go through a similar process? The article suggested that the mind can go through huge changes during a weight loss programme and it can be so extreme that close family members and friends would comment on how different the person is now the weight is off. My mind has went through a huge transition and now I don't feel like myself anymore, in fact I feel like a shadow of my former self and would give anything to have her back.

During my weight loss I went though many emotional checkpoints: seeing the first pounds come off, having a bad week and wasting previous efforts, wanting to give up, getting back in the saddle, drawing lines in the sand, reaching targets etc etc. The list is endless however I never thought I would go through a small personality transplant as well. I have been making comments and jokes I would have never made as a fat person because I know how horribly hurtful it is but that, in itself, is not reason enough for me to stop. Since when did I act like that? When did I decide to break my moral compass and guide myself? It runss deeper than poking fun at other people, like I said previously, I have found myself becoming extremely shallow and egotistical.

Maybe I'm trying to make up for all those years I couldn't say horrible things or am I getting all the anger,frustration and hurt at the people who did say things to me out? Whatever explanation is correct, I'm playing a dangerous game right now and it has already damaged the people I love the most. Remember, the grass is not always greener on the other side and don't throw away everything you love for a fleeting thought.