Sunday, 11 April 2010

I'm still alive, just. (May trigger)

For once I don't really know where to begin; my mind has been all over the place again and I don't know how to make sense of it all. I am at a total loss and nothing I have done is even remotely close to getting me out of this rut. There has been tonne of 'stuff' going on in my life recently and I've not dealt with any of it properly. Maybe that's why I'm so messed up at the moment; the reality of it all has finally kicked in and I don't know what the hell to do about it. My Pandora's box remains open and I've not got the strength, or will power, to close it again.

Seeing yourself slowly turn into everything you hate is an awful experience, when I say or do something bad my mind screams: "No! You don't mean that! You are so out of line girl, you need to get that sorted. You need to just stop. Please baby stop, you're better than this." I hear it but I can't stop, filth pours out my mouth over and over again. I am full of anger and self-loathing because I should be able to control myself but I can't, I'm loosing my head and everything I've fought for.

I am angry because I can't cut. I'm angry at myself for not having the balls to just do it and open my arms up and release the river of tension. I'm frustrated because I am considering going back to the thing I can never trust. I want to just curl up in a corner and forget the world exists. I want to pretend everything I do doesn't affect anyone else. I want to be free from her. I want to be addicted. I want to let her back into my life. I want to scar every inch of myself and I want to see the blood drip to the floor and then do it again.

These urges have came out of nowhere but have been exacerbated by the fact I have been ignoring issues that should have been dealt with long before now. It's scary to realise I'm one tiny step away from falling into the abyss and never returning. I feel so close to the volcanoes edge and convincing myself I should dive in isn't as hard as it should be; my mind is far too good at persuading me self harm is what I need, it's the only thing that will get me through, the only thing that will always love me.

If I'm not strong enough she will be the only thing I'll have to hold onto. I'm so, so weak and have no strength left; she has taken everything and left me bare. I am just a shell to carry her around, I am her play thing and always will be. I am trapped between a rock and a hard place; the comfort blanket and the unknown.

The more I try to escape form her prison the more she convinces me it's better to stay. The more I try to convince myself it's all just minds games the deeper she digs her claws in; shes a lioness stalking her prey. She hits me where I'm weak and reminds me who controls who.

I have no jurisdiction over my own thoughts anymore; she owns me and knows she always will...


  1. Hey, Joolz, there's no denyin what you've so eloquently described is a totally shite state of affairs to be in. I could never give you advice on how to tackle what's goin on cos i've never been inside your head.

    But the fact that you can write about this stuff shows me that you really really want to deal with it, even if you've not worked out how to do that yet.

    I'm hoping you're gettin help and support from the people closest to you and maybe even from some clued up health professionals (there are some out there). Ultimately though, i reckon it'll be up to you to sort this out but you strike me as someone who's gonna be well capable of that.

    Keep on kepin on, girl, you've got a lot to give to this wee world.

  2. Hi naldo, thank you for describing my writing as 'eloquent', it is such a compliment!

    To respond to your comment:

    I have a select few friends who support me, they are the ones who have some sort of experience with mental health issues and are such a great help. It is good to have a network, however small, of people who can truly understand the 'bi-polarness' of this illness and are able to remember who you really are when it gets tough. Having said that, my 'rock' does not have any experience with mental health issues but he stands by me with conviction and doesnt let my illness cloud his view of me; I couldnt ask for anything else! I'm just glad he had stuck around long enough to see me.

    I have also been through the mental health system and I didnt really give it much credit until I saw a cognitive behavioural therapist, that really helped me; I didn't need someone to sit there and listen to my ramblings, I needed something that could help me cope with what I was feeling. He was the first person that saw my situation for what it really was: I didnt need to tell anywone 'why' I self harm (I know the reasons why, thats not the issue) and saw it as an addiction and took me seriously when I told him it controlled every ounce of my being.

    I was, and still am completely at the mercy of this and he gave me all the tools I needed to beat it, medication being the starting point. I no longer attend as he thought the best thing for me was to do it on my own now; he felt, in the end, he was only there to hold my hand and tell me I was doing everything he said correctly.

    That scared me because, from that point on, I knew I had to do it for myself and not for the meetings each week. I felt I couldnt do it for me and needed something, or someone to do it for.

    As you know, going down this road on my own is not very pleasant but it is something I have to do. If I do it for someone else, and they fall from my life, how do I justify staying on the road and not falling back to self harm? If I dont do this for me, there is no point in doing it at all.

    And on a lighter note, I read the first line of the comment in the voice of the lead guy from Trainspotting; it fits rather well since you're from Eddy! It made me chuckle =)