Wednesday, 2 December 2009

Soul searching: The act of facing one's inmost self with courage, determined to bring every ulterior thought, emotion, and motive to light.

I’ve done a lot of ‘soul searching’ recently (yes, that old cliché) but I never thought for a second it would do any good. Oh how wrong I was! I always had an image of people who soul search: American, part of a cult or some organisation that promises salvation and have huge tinted glasses. I soon realised I didn’t tick any of the boxes of the stereotypical Yankee nut-case but I thought I would give it a bash anyway.

I didn’t really know how to start or what to do; sit myself down in a quiet room and just think or do I write thoughts, aspirations and goals down? I done none of the above, I didn’t even realise I was searching the darkest corner of my soul until I was right there in the middle of it wondering what the hell I should do next. Memories of mistakes I’ve made flooded my mind and began to push me backwards and before I knew it I felt like an insecure woman with no self confidence.

After the initial phase of crying hysterically, it became clear that the things in the past I held onto were a detriment to both me and my recovery. I had never really thought about ‘letting go’ of this baggage before; I think I just accepted it was there and never had the desire, or will, to throw it away. It is pointless in holding onto painful memories you wish you could change because, no matter how much you wish it had turned out different, there is nothing you can do about it now.

I decided not to dwell on the negative aspects (for once) of this one bad day out of seven and write down all the things I wanted to achieve or wanted to be. It was difficult to start with however as I got about half way though my pen couldn’t write fast enough; I realised most of the things on the list I could achieve quite easily with a little bit of confidence. Confidence is a wonderful thing, who could have predicted that something so trivial could have you on top of the world one day then make you want to stay in bed forever the next? A lot of my problems can be attributed to lack of self confidence and it is time to change that. I have no idea how to do it or where to start but I’ll never know unless I try.

I feel quite positive about things now; it seems like things might be looking up in the recovery department - it’s been a long time coming and I will savour every minute of it.