Monday, 29 March 2010

Spanners. Why are they always in the works?

I have been doing OK since the last post; I got over the first week in March and didn't self harm which is the first time that has ever happened. I have to be proud of myself for that but the emotional breakdown was not pretty; I was, and still am, a complete emotional wreck. I like to keep that part of me hidden away because I don't want to appear weak or powerless; I don't want people to realise I remain completely, and utterly, at the mercy of my daemons. I make everything worse by keeping my cards too close to my chest and get -- what appears to be -- inordinately angry/upset at things that don't really matter. People must look at me and assume I'm a huge drama queen, which is my own fault but I get too caught up in the moment to care.

I am finding it hard to vocalise my true thoughts and feelings at the moment as they are all over the place; I'm confused, conflicted and disconnected. I have been plunged into a world of darkness and chaos and for some reason I am at home here; I enjoy this misery and enjoy having VICTIM tattooed on my forehead. That's a problem I thought I had overcame a few years back but it seems as though the victim complex is slowly creeping its way back into my life.

After a conversation I had with someone, I realised my responses to what they were saying were all about me. As much as the issues being discussed involved and concerned me they werent about me. This realisation genuinely terrified me; I hate the person I am when I make myself the victim. I tend to make every ones world revolve around me and people will step on eggshells as a result of not wanting to offend or hurt me. It isn't a nice trait to have and I need to nip this in the bud or I will spiral and end up in hospital wondering why no one cares about what I'm going through or how I feel. I cant let myself get to into that stage again, I need to 'man-up' and get a grip of my behaviour.

I have to go back to the drawing board and get my feelings and thoughts in order, I need to stop letting her win and start listening to rationality. I need to tell bitchface I wont be at her beck and call anymore and make it clear I will beat this. I need to stop throwing spanners in the works for shits and giggles and need to get some bloody sleep.

All of the above, my friends, is easier said than done.


  1. Damn right that'll all be easier said than done. At least you've got clear ideas about what you want to do and how to get to where you want to be.

    I hope it doesnae sound patronising to say well done for getting through early March without reverting to old ways. That sounds to me like a massive breakthrough.

    Would you mind if i link to your blog from mt own one? Usually i would just link but yours is much more personal than most and if you dinnae want randoms turnin up here' i'd totally understand.

  2. "I need to stop throwing spanners in the works for shits and giggles and need to get some bloody sleep."

    Sleep is essential to properly function, and as I said last time it is usually the hardest of all things to finally achieve- a normalised sleeping pattern. Sleeping ought to be an escape, something to be used to channel a feeling of relief. When it stops being that this becomes a problem.

    p.s. naldo- are you from bonnie Glasgow by any chance? ;)

  3. It doesnt sound patronising at all! It means alot to me to hear someone say that, thank you. =) It was breakthrough and I hope I can keep the momentum going because, if I dont, the achievement wold have been for nothing.

    And I wouldnt mind at all, I would be honored! You have made my day :)

    Joolz x

  4. Nice one, Joolz, i'm well chuffed to have made yer day. Stick with it.

    Deano, my man, i'm fae the very bonny streets o Embra. Corstorphine originally and now Leith. My poor old maw would be ashamed to hear how her laddy speaks behind her back.