Yes, its that time of year folks; it's time for healthy sleeping patterns to be thrown out the window along with any coping methods and positive thought. I can see them lying in a heap in the garden but I don't have the strength to go down and fetch them. No matter how far forward I am with my recovery the first few weeks in March seem to have this hold over me, it almost seems as though self harm has one week in which to make me revert back to her wicked ways and throws everything she has at me; my pandoras box is now open.This is my 8th year of self harm and, my god, its tough. All I want to do is to stay inside, talk to no one and paint my skin a pretty shade of red. The urge to cut myself is greater in these weeks and I find myself using the same old excuses: one slip up wont hurt anyone. Just one small cut, small enough to not 'count'. Just enough so it will bleed, nothing more...
I've slipped back to my old ways of shutting myself away from the outside world and as a result making myself feel extremely lonely. I am trying to override what appears to be my default setting when I feel like this but I'm struggling with it. I don't want to go out for fear of people judging or making fun of me because I'm sure they know I'm a wreck and can't cope. I find myself running from the people that will listen into the arms of something I can't, and should never, trust again.
I know when my control over my thoughts and feeling has slipped back to her when my dreams are affected; Ive been dreaming about self-harm since the 26th of February and that let me know I was coming up for a rough few weeks. Dreaming about it is one of my biggest triggers for this reason: you experience it, feel it and are able to get the same sense of 'release' from it but you wake up and realise it didnt actually happen. One of two things happens to me at this point, I get so severely triggered I become over-emotional and cut in a 'panic' and end up with stitches or the urge becomes so strong I cut in a more controlled manner.
I have two options here: I can go back down the road I've just came from or I can keep going. One is far more comforting and the other is hard work. One has the comfort blanket but the other has freedom. Easy choice?
Jesus, that sounds truly horrible, Aura. Do you know why your struggle gets so much worse every year at this time?
ReplyDeleteRead your comments on Dean's blog and thought I'd see what you've been sayin on yer own.
I really hope you're managing to keep it together and your dreams aren't still doing yer head in.
Stick in, girl.
Hi naldo, thank you for the comment and checking me out!
ReplyDeleteTo answer your question, 2nd of March was the first time I ever cut myself and it was an experience that will stay with me forever. I can remember it like it was yesterday and when March rolls around I get caught up in a cycle of self loathing and hate.
This year it knocked me off my feet because I was coming on leaps and bounds with my recovery; it felt like a punch in the gut when the dreams started and the old patterns started to emerge.
Looking back it seems stupid to let a date or a month throw me back into self harm again but I have this weird custom of cutting in the same place and at the same time as I did 8 years ago. Why? I'm not really sure to be honest, it just became the done thing on the 2nd you know?
This year is the first time I have managed to resist it and that, I'm sure, speaks volumes for my will power but the urge to just run back to her has been crazy.
Thank you again for the comment, it really helps me stay on track!
xx
Sleeping is always the worst part of existance.
ReplyDeleteThis tends to be when one is left unable to continue to strictly regulate and control thoughts, feelings and emotions. In short: dreams can force us to realise our actual state.
This is partly why I personally have such a bad sleeping pattern currently, there is an obvious humanistic desire to escape what hurts us. And naturally dreaming, and the vulnerability this creates is something we seek to escape from.
When you say "I've slipped back to my old ways of shutting myself away from the outside world and as a result making myself feel extremely lonely." I recognise this point myself. But if we rationalise isn't it normal for humans to exist alone? There is no such thing as the concept of 'love' and humans are naturally inclined to solitude over relationships. To be alone is unavoidable to my mind. But this is one of the dark facts about existance I suppose.
dean
I think I might completely agree with you Dean. This touches on Brians (silentgraffiti) blog post, doesnt it? That is, its extremely hard to accept the fact we dont 'want' to be with people, we dont 'want' to have this impulse to be 'loved', 'liked' or even be connected with other people.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, I feel it is necessary for people who have mental issues to have that support network because it's so, so easy to get caught up in self-loathing and just fall back into darkness. That is not to say you will just being people in order to better yourself; you build a support network and keep it. I dont think I could cope if it wasnt for my friends, they get me through so much and help me stay on track.
When you said: " This tends to be when one is left unable to continue to strictly regulate and control thoughts" I completely agree with you and I have never been ablt to put it into words before. It is something that really doesnt sit right with me; I dont like the fact I cant, or find it difficult, to wake myself up from nightmares that force me to deal with, see or even live out things which I am uncomfortable with. I'm with you, Id rather not sleep at all.
Joolz x
*That is not to say you will just be *using* people in order to better yourself
ReplyDelete