Friday, 5 February 2010

Growing up

In the middle of my darkest self-harm days I never envisaged I would live past 21; if I hadn't killed myself by then I was sure to have done something so reckless it would have killed me anyway. I had no regard for my own life or how my death would affect people around me. It terrifies me to think I was, not only capable of thoughts so dark but able to pass them off as everyday feelings; I would convince myself everyone must have felt like that at some point in their adolescence and I wasn't the only one to do so. Soon I realised it wasn't normal to hoard these thoughts as everyone around me seemed to be moving on, growing up, having fun and I was stuck in what felt like a bog of negativity, sadness and sorrow.

I often wonder what would have happened to me if I had remained trapped in that spiral of self destruction; would I be dead or just another screw-up who doesn't care for anyone or anything except for another fix of their chosen poison?That petrifies me, I get shivers thinking about it -- some pangs of guilt, pity and to an extent nostalgia creep into my head. I feel guilty by virtue of not taking other people into account back then, pity as a result of my, now, grown up mind looking back on what feels like a helpless girl and nostalgia because (for the last 7 years) its all I've known. I continue to slip back into my old ways without even realising of it as it comes so naturally to me. Sometimes I need people 'outside the box' to tell me I'm reversing myself into a black hole that I can never get out of. I do have outside-the-box thinkers around me and I would like to take this opportunity to thank them for everything they have done and to let them know I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them.

Now, I am fast closing in on my 21st birthday and as a result of support networks, hard graft and positive thought I've got my life into a rather sweet spot; new hopes, dreams and aspirations are flooding my head and for once I can do something about them. I can now start to move forward and make the most of my life. By 'moving forward' I really don't mean by much but I couldn't care less at the minute, even a small step makes me feel like BFG in my world.