Monday, 29 March 2010

Spanners. Why are they always in the works?

I have been doing OK since the last post; I got over the first week in March and didn't self harm which is the first time that has ever happened. I have to be proud of myself for that but the emotional breakdown was not pretty; I was, and still am, a complete emotional wreck. I like to keep that part of me hidden away because I don't want to appear weak or powerless; I don't want people to realise I remain completely, and utterly, at the mercy of my daemons. I make everything worse by keeping my cards too close to my chest and get -- what appears to be -- inordinately angry/upset at things that don't really matter. People must look at me and assume I'm a huge drama queen, which is my own fault but I get too caught up in the moment to care.

I am finding it hard to vocalise my true thoughts and feelings at the moment as they are all over the place; I'm confused, conflicted and disconnected. I have been plunged into a world of darkness and chaos and for some reason I am at home here; I enjoy this misery and enjoy having VICTIM tattooed on my forehead. That's a problem I thought I had overcame a few years back but it seems as though the victim complex is slowly creeping its way back into my life.

After a conversation I had with someone, I realised my responses to what they were saying were all about me. As much as the issues being discussed involved and concerned me they werent about me. This realisation genuinely terrified me; I hate the person I am when I make myself the victim. I tend to make every ones world revolve around me and people will step on eggshells as a result of not wanting to offend or hurt me. It isn't a nice trait to have and I need to nip this in the bud or I will spiral and end up in hospital wondering why no one cares about what I'm going through or how I feel. I cant let myself get to into that stage again, I need to 'man-up' and get a grip of my behaviour.

I have to go back to the drawing board and get my feelings and thoughts in order, I need to stop letting her win and start listening to rationality. I need to tell bitchface I wont be at her beck and call anymore and make it clear I will beat this. I need to stop throwing spanners in the works for shits and giggles and need to get some bloody sleep.

All of the above, my friends, is easier said than done.

Thursday, 4 March 2010

There is no reason to hide. (May trigger)

Yes, its that time of year folks; it's time for healthy sleeping patterns to be thrown out the window along with any coping methods and positive thought. I can see them lying in a heap in the garden but I don't have the strength to go down and fetch them. No matter how far forward I am with my recovery the first few weeks in March seem to have this hold over me, it almost seems as though self harm has one week in which to make me revert back to her wicked ways and throws everything she has at me; my pandoras box is now open.

This is my 8th year of self harm and, my god, its tough. All I want to do is to stay inside, talk to no one and paint my skin a pretty shade of red. The urge to cut myself is greater in these weeks and I find myself using the same old excuses: one slip up wont hurt anyone. Just one small cut, small enough to not 'count'. Just enough so it will bleed, nothing more...

I've slipped back to my old ways of shutting myself away from the outside world and as a result making myself feel extremely lonely. I am trying to override what appears to be my default setting when I feel like this but I'm struggling with it. I don't want to go out for fear of people judging or making fun of me because I'm sure they know I'm a wreck and can't cope. I find myself running from the people that will listen into the arms of something I can't, and should never, trust again.

I know when my control over my thoughts and feeling has slipped back to her when my dreams are affected; Ive been dreaming about self-harm since the 26th of February and that let me know I was coming up for a rough few weeks. Dreaming about it is one of my biggest triggers for this reason: you experience it, feel it and are able to get the same sense of 'release' from it but you wake up and realise it didnt actually happen. One of two things happens to me at this point, I get so severely triggered I become over-emotional and cut in a 'panic' and end up with stitches or the urge becomes so strong I cut in a more controlled manner.

I have two options here: I can go back down the road I've just came from or I can keep going. One is far more comforting and the other is hard work. One has the comfort blanket but the other has freedom. Easy choice?