Sunday, 11 April 2010

I'm still alive, just. (May trigger)

For once I don't really know where to begin; my mind has been all over the place again and I don't know how to make sense of it all. I am at a total loss and nothing I have done is even remotely close to getting me out of this rut. There has been tonne of 'stuff' going on in my life recently and I've not dealt with any of it properly. Maybe that's why I'm so messed up at the moment; the reality of it all has finally kicked in and I don't know what the hell to do about it. My Pandora's box remains open and I've not got the strength, or will power, to close it again.

Seeing yourself slowly turn into everything you hate is an awful experience, when I say or do something bad my mind screams: "No! You don't mean that! You are so out of line girl, you need to get that sorted. You need to just stop. Please baby stop, you're better than this." I hear it but I can't stop, filth pours out my mouth over and over again. I am full of anger and self-loathing because I should be able to control myself but I can't, I'm loosing my head and everything I've fought for.

I am angry because I can't cut. I'm angry at myself for not having the balls to just do it and open my arms up and release the river of tension. I'm frustrated because I am considering going back to the thing I can never trust. I want to just curl up in a corner and forget the world exists. I want to pretend everything I do doesn't affect anyone else. I want to be free from her. I want to be addicted. I want to let her back into my life. I want to scar every inch of myself and I want to see the blood drip to the floor and then do it again.

These urges have came out of nowhere but have been exacerbated by the fact I have been ignoring issues that should have been dealt with long before now. It's scary to realise I'm one tiny step away from falling into the abyss and never returning. I feel so close to the volcanoes edge and convincing myself I should dive in isn't as hard as it should be; my mind is far too good at persuading me self harm is what I need, it's the only thing that will get me through, the only thing that will always love me.

If I'm not strong enough she will be the only thing I'll have to hold onto. I'm so, so weak and have no strength left; she has taken everything and left me bare. I am just a shell to carry her around, I am her play thing and always will be. I am trapped between a rock and a hard place; the comfort blanket and the unknown.

The more I try to escape form her prison the more she convinces me it's better to stay. The more I try to convince myself it's all just minds games the deeper she digs her claws in; shes a lioness stalking her prey. She hits me where I'm weak and reminds me who controls who.

I have no jurisdiction over my own thoughts anymore; she owns me and knows she always will...