Wednesday, 2 December 2009

Soul searching: The act of facing one's inmost self with courage, determined to bring every ulterior thought, emotion, and motive to light.

I’ve done a lot of ‘soul searching’ recently (yes, that old cliché) but I never thought for a second it would do any good. Oh how wrong I was! I always had an image of people who soul search: American, part of a cult or some organisation that promises salvation and have huge tinted glasses. I soon realised I didn’t tick any of the boxes of the stereotypical Yankee nut-case but I thought I would give it a bash anyway.

I didn’t really know how to start or what to do; sit myself down in a quiet room and just think or do I write thoughts, aspirations and goals down? I done none of the above, I didn’t even realise I was searching the darkest corner of my soul until I was right there in the middle of it wondering what the hell I should do next. Memories of mistakes I’ve made flooded my mind and began to push me backwards and before I knew it I felt like an insecure woman with no self confidence.

After the initial phase of crying hysterically, it became clear that the things in the past I held onto were a detriment to both me and my recovery. I had never really thought about ‘letting go’ of this baggage before; I think I just accepted it was there and never had the desire, or will, to throw it away. It is pointless in holding onto painful memories you wish you could change because, no matter how much you wish it had turned out different, there is nothing you can do about it now.

I decided not to dwell on the negative aspects (for once) of this one bad day out of seven and write down all the things I wanted to achieve or wanted to be. It was difficult to start with however as I got about half way though my pen couldn’t write fast enough; I realised most of the things on the list I could achieve quite easily with a little bit of confidence. Confidence is a wonderful thing, who could have predicted that something so trivial could have you on top of the world one day then make you want to stay in bed forever the next? A lot of my problems can be attributed to lack of self confidence and it is time to change that. I have no idea how to do it or where to start but I’ll never know unless I try.

I feel quite positive about things now; it seems like things might be looking up in the recovery department - it’s been a long time coming and I will savour every minute of it.

Friday, 13 November 2009

My Pandoras Box

Frustration: a feeling of dissatisfaction, often accompanied by anxiety or depression, resulting from unfulfilled needs or unresolved problems.

I get really frustrated at this part of recovery; the medication has kicked in and has now made me feel like the The Empty Child from Dr Who. It makes me feel hollow, like there is no substance behind my existence and I will never become anything other than a container for medication or a huge piece of paper to draw on with something excessively sharp. It tears me in two, it makes me feel like I will forever be in the grip of something I cannot control; the medication or self harm.

In these times of unrest I usually ride it out for a few days and then give up. I have been at this point many times before and I always sided with the known rather than the unknown. I've never had the strength to carry on with recovery and never wanted to if I'm honest. I have such a strong desire to recoil back to my old ways and live my life from there. I have to remind myself that I wont have much of a life in length or in virtue because demons I faced to get out of that rut are still there, waiting to consume my happiest thoughts and turn them sour.

Maybe its my comfort blanket, I have let it keep me safe for so long that I don't want to, or feel right living without it. It has destroyed me from the inside out on many occasions and all I want to do is let it ruin me again. I have an attachment to it that only a mother should have with a child; I shouldn't have this bond or love for something so inherently evil but there is something in the darkness that makes me want to succumb it again and again.

These thoughts are not unfamiliar and I need the strength to be able to lock them away in a box that should never be opened again. I fear the act of vanquishing them will only trouble me more because what mother could stand to hear their child screaming to be let go and do nothing?

Wednesday, 4 November 2009

Hold me now, I'm 6 feet from the edge and I'm thinking...

Trigger is my word of the day as a result of irrational thoughts running around my head like insane shoppers on boxing day running into the Next sale. It often seems like a struggle to be 'normal' these days, or to even function like an average human being. My recovery has hit a brick wall for the time being and I have no idea why; I look at my scars and all I want to do is create more; my body is a canvas to which I can voice all my angst, hurt and pain onto with unconventional tools. The problem being I can't bring myself to do it again, which adds to this frustration and keeps me the rut I am now stuck in.

I havent harmed in a long time now but that doesnt make the impulses disappear, I feel it more now than I ever have. The throught of the rush and the release makes me feel both sick and ecstatic at the same time. The only thing I can relate it to is when you are heading to the top of the most terrifying roller coaster you have ever dared to go on. You know there is no turning back, your stomach is in knots, your heart is pounding and you know that drop is coming, its coming soon but are you ready for the fall? Are you ready to let go and have the most intense experience of your life?

I wish it was as easy as riding a roller coaster, I wish there were no repercussions, no addictive qualities to it and most of all, no dissapontments that make you want to do it all over again. It's about over-coming the urge isnt it? Its about making sure you know the disadvantages of this act outweigh any good that may come from it . Moments of clarity seem to break through this twisted reality and tell me its all in my head, tell me I need to be stronger and face the demons and vanquish them. I wish I could. God damn I wish I could.

Tuesday, 3 November 2009

Motivation: a motivating force, stimulus, or influence (as a drive or incentive)

Is lack of motivation a symptom or a cause?

Are other problems caused by lack of motivation and can be solved by getting motivation back or is it a symptom of a deeper, more troublesome, problem whereby fixing one symtom does not fix the whole predicament?

I have been pondering this for quite some time now and it is just in the last few days that I have been able to articulate my thoughts coherently enough to warrant a new post. Its difficult to answer isnt it? How can you determine if it is one or the other? Some may say by solving the problem of lack of motivation and observing the outcome will lead to the answer, however if lack of motivation is caused by a bigger problem, fixing that itself will not lead to the said problem(s) being solved.

How do you fix lack of motivation? Can it be fixed by forcing yourself to do the task you arent motivated to do in the hope that by doing it you succumb to its charms and once again love it? Life isn't always as easy as that and it's hard to just do it, as Nike would have you to believe.

I am at a loss, as you can probably tell, as to how to solve my dilemma. I am not motivated to do anything that I need to or even want to do. Thinking about this makes me feel like I have been on the waltzer too long but I have to think about this becasue if I don't, then I will be no further forward.

If my lack of interest in anything and everything I once cared about is due soley to lack of motivation then why can't I get motivated? Why do I feel that everything I do, or want to do, is worse than killing a small, cute animal? I feel there must be other factors involved but I just don't know what they are; my lack of motivation is clearly a symptom of a larger problem that I have yet to uncover.

Tackling this issue as a whole doesnt seem the right way to do it as it might be too much too soon. That, and the fact that looking deeper into yourself to uncover flaws is a pretty scary and daunting task.

I fear some sleepless nights are on the cards this coming week. Well it would be on the cards if I had cards and if I was a tarot card reader... I guess I'll just make some hot chocolate in a hugely oversized mug and read a book in the meantime.

Monday, 2 November 2009

Concentrate my love, concentrate.

Concentrating on one thing at a time isn't that difficult is it? Well, if you have one million random thoughts jumping into your head, every one vying for your attenting like a room full of infants, it's difficult to stay on top of it all. Medication is making it harder to control these thoughts and impusles I have: do this, do that, go here, go there and oh, I know! you should do this because it will be fun...And no, I shouldn't do that or go there and no, I think you'll find that wasn't fun.

A few more days, thats what I have to keep telling myself. A few more days until they kick in and I will be able to dampen the sound of these thoughts like shutting the door leading to a noisy room. In the meantime what am I supposed to do? Sit still and do nothing because everything my brain is telling me to do is incoherent and doesn't even make sense to me? Well, if that's what it takes then maybe thats what I should do: sit down, have a cup of tea and watch old re-runs of Jezza on ITV2, if I haven't seen them all already...