Trigger is my word of the day as a result of irrational thoughts running around my head like insane shoppers on boxing day running into the Next sale. It often seems like a struggle to be 'normal' these days, or to even function like an average human being. My recovery has hit a brick wall for the time being and I have no idea why; I look at my scars and all I want to do is create more; my body is a canvas to which I can voice all my angst, hurt and pain onto with unconventional tools. The problem being I can't bring myself to do it again, which adds to this frustration and keeps me the rut I am now stuck in.
I havent harmed in a long time now but that doesnt make the impulses disappear, I feel it more now than I ever have. The throught of the rush and the release makes me feel both sick and ecstatic at the same time. The only thing I can relate it to is when you are heading to the top of the most terrifying roller coaster you have ever dared to go on. You know there is no turning back, your stomach is in knots, your heart is pounding and you know that drop is coming, its coming soon but are you ready for the fall? Are you ready to let go and have the most intense experience of your life?
I wish it was as easy as riding a roller coaster, I wish there were no repercussions, no addictive qualities to it and most of all, no dissapontments that make you want to do it all over again. It's about over-coming the urge isnt it? Its about making sure you know the disadvantages of this act outweigh any good that may come from it . Moments of clarity seem to break through this twisted reality and tell me its all in my head, tell me I need to be stronger and face the demons and vanquish them. I wish I could. God damn I wish I could.
6 months ago
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