My Pandoras Box

Frustration: a feeling of dissatisfaction, often accompanied by anxiety or depression, resulting from unfulfilled needs or unresolved problems.


I get really frustrated at this part of recovery; the medication has kicked in and has now made me feel like the The Empty Child from Dr Who. It makes me feel hollow, like there is no substance behind my existence and I will never become anything other than a container for medication or a huge piece of paper to draw on with something excessively sharp. It tears me in two, it makes me feel like I will forever be in the grip of something I cannot control; the medication or self harm.

In these times of unrest I usually ride it out for a few days and then give up. I have been at this point many times before and I always sided with the known rather than the unknown. I've never had the strength to carry on with recovery and never wanted to if I'm honest. I have such a strong desire to recoil back to my old ways and live my life from there. I have to remind myself that I wont have much of a life in length or in virtue because demons I faced to get out of that rut are still there, waiting to consume my happiest thoughts and turn them sour.

Maybe its my comfort blanket, I have let it keep me safe for so long that I don't want to, or feel right living without it. It has destroyed me from the inside out on many occasions and all I want to do is let it ruin me again. I have an attachment to it that only a mother should have with a child; I shouldn't have this bond or love for something so inherently evil but there is something in the darkness that makes me want to succumb it again and again.

These thoughts are not unfamiliar and I need the strength to be able to lock them away in a box that should never be opened again. I fear the act of vanquishing them will only trouble me more because what mother could stand to hear their child screaming to be let go and do nothing?